Have I just bought the Cinema?

Posted: August 9, 2011 in About Me

I’m telling you, my house is so hot right now, I’m surprised it hasn’t boiled my funny bone into rubber chicken noodle soup. I am sweating like Heidi Fleiss at the Policeman’s Ball. Rosemary and just lie around all day watching Army Wives and trying to catch a cool breeze. I haven’t seen anyone sit that motionless in front of a fan since I handed David Paymer the manuscript of my book in an airport!

I’m on fire! Literally!

But when the temperature outside gets higher than Larry King’s pants, it’s an all-out mutiny in the Jd household. My other half teams up soley against me and sentences me to be torn limb from limb…specifically, the arm and leg I lose at our local cineplex! Now Thor be it from me to be stingy, but movie ticket prices have risen a Fast Five since I last Saw them. I wonder if those Hollywood Pirates (Of The Caribbean) enjoyed hearing me Scream 4 mercy while they Super 8 my pay.

Pay, please! Make it a pay packet. In fact, make it two!

But once you’re inside the cinema, you’re in for a real thrill. Just last week I got to see a terrifying silver machine attack a bunch of helpless civilians who barely escaped being completely wiped out. No, not the new Transformers movie. I’m talking about the concession stand ! Yikes! More like recession stand! Does this large soda come with a replacement college fund? I’m serious, folks. That concession guy had his hands so deep in my pockets, I was lucky to escape with my Raisinets.

I’ll take a small popcorn, please—hold the bankruptcy.

How long does the summer movie season last, anyway? Every time I’m in the cinema, I feel like I’m stuck in the world’s priciest time loop. I’m definitely stuck in something, because all the floors are covered in soda! Someone call Dr. Pepper, stat! I need an emergency Reebok-dectomy or I’m gonna miss the Coming Attractions.

More like Charging A-Fortunes !

Of course, when I try to reason I’m looked at like I’m a silent picture. “I wanna see the new Harry Potter movie, in 3D.” Yeah, well, I want to see Vanna White put on a bikini and fix me a roast beef sandwich, but not if it’s spread out over 10 years and costs me a car payment. Can you say “I’m ready for my foreclosure, Mr. DeMille?” I’m not kidding—the most unbelievable part of this last wizard movie was my receipt! Folks, that total had more digits than Cindy Crawford at last call. That movie was so expensive, they did a credit check instead of opening credits.

Silver screen? At these prices, it better be!

I guess you could say I don’t get the appeal. All that dough just to sit still for a couple of hours and not leave with a commemorative beer stein? Tom Hanks but no Hanks, summer blockbuster season. If I wanted to spend my time in a building full of people who enjoy wasting money to sit around and do nothing…I’d run for Congress!

That’s right. You can read my lips: No new movies. Sure, my other half might whine and throw a fit or two (Electric Boogaloo), but I’m putting my foot down. Unfortunately, my foot is on the gas pedal, and I’m driving quickly into having a debt with the Odeon.

Turns out you don’t have to spend a lot of money to see a horrifying monster from another world. But you do have tomeet the future mother in-law!

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