And so it’s over to the land of Soap…

Posted: January 2, 2012 in life
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

so the Christmas season is well out of the way, by a few hours, and life saw all the usual doom and gloom in soap land. Bows the time to focus, re-look and see what 2012 holds.

January

Following the death of Pat and Yusef, London mayor Boris Johnson announces plans to close the E20 postcode down for next festive season. “Crikey and by Jove, it’s miserable at the best of times,” says Boris. “But at Christmas that place is positively lethal.”

Meanwhile, Becky leaves Weatherfield after a row with Steve. She leaves with the following warning: “I love you Steve. And I’ll never stop dreaming of arguing continually with you.”

February

The writers of ‘Emmerdale’ are stumped when they realise Cain has either had an affair or a fight with everyone in the soap – and their families. “Maybe we’ll just make him a bit more realistic,” muses a producer. “By giving him superpowers.”

Helen Flanagan leaves ‘Coronation Street’. All lingerie businesses in Manchester go out of business.

March

The makers of ‘Coronation Street’ say they’ve pulled out all the stops to find someone to bring the same virtues to the soap as the departing Helen Flanagan. They announce Katie Price as their new star.

Much to Phil’s disgust, Ben Mitchell finds a boyfriend. To test out whether he is a good match, Ben asks him to sleep with Lola.

April

‘Neighbours’ announce that they’re giving the show to Toadfish Rebecchi. “He’s been in it for so long, he deserves it,” says a Channel 9 spokesperson. “He can do what he wants with it.”

Helen Flanagan reveals she has a new role… on ‘Hollyoaks’. “I love Hollyoaks,” she says. “They never use gratuitous good looking people in underwear to sell their show.”

May

An ‘Emmerdale’ plotline that was to see Cain reveal he is a radical Al-Qaeda terrorist with a plot to blow up The Woolpack is ditched after public complaints. “It’s way too realistic,” grumbles one viewer. “Not like the ‘Emmerdale’ I used to know.”

At Carla and Peter Barlow’s wedding, Peter turns up drunk and slags her off for sleeping with Nick. But he discovers he’s got the wrong person, Carla has actually been sleeping with Leanne, who is her Sex Addicts counsellor.

The world’s only will-they-wont-they (divorce)

June

To outdo the success of ‘Who Attacked Cain?’, ‘Emmerdale’ bring in new characters – an academic called Plum , military man Mustard, Marlon’s new partner in cooking Miss White, Ashley’s replacement Mr Green and Scarlett from Casualty. Cain is worried when Zak gets a conservatory and The Woolpack installs a Billiard Room.

Kat and Alfie re-marry, divorce and renew their vows in the same day in ‘EastEnders’.

July

Following the success of Mandy Salter’s re-introduction into the wilds of Albert Square, the makers of the soap bring back some other formerly popular characters: Lofty returns, now rich, having co-authored David Beckham’s autobiography, Angie Watts is a ballroom dancing teacher and Peter Beale has become invisible.

Eileen Grimshaw reckons her luck has finally begun to change in ‘Corrie’ when she begins dating a man called Brian Adnewsforwomen.

August

Olympic fever hits Albert Square with two people having a contrived, written-at-the-last-moment conversation about the games in The Vic.

Finally recovered from his attack, Cain begins wreaking revenge on the Emmerdale village – by haunting everyone’s dreams when they sleep. “It’s the kind of likely, realistic thing he’d do,” says Jeff Hordley.

September

Australia is shocked when a new character on ‘Home and Away’ has a normal name. “It’s madness,” says Saskia Burmeister who plays Tegan. “I agree,” says Benedict Samuel who plays Hammer. “What’s wrong with stupid names like ‘Roo’, ‘Brax’ or ‘Romeo’?,” says Jaimee Taylor-Nielsen, who plays Summer. 


The Sharma’s Chocolate factory goes bust in ‘Emmerdale’. “No one has ever bought a single chocolate,” sighs Jai. “Not even in the village. Was it any surprise?”

October

‘Hollyoaks’ announces a new big name signing to play a glamour role – Pam St. Clement, formerly Pat Butcher in ‘EastEnders’. “We’re going to try and sex up the soap for a new demographic,” says the creator Phil Redmond. “This should bring in the massive ‘men who like to be naked except for novelty bow-tie’ market.”

The simmering tension between Marlon and Laurel reaches a climax in ‘Emmerdale’, when they touch each other by accident. “How could a married woman do such a thing?” whimpers Laurel, while Marlon considers jumping off a bridge. She confesses to Ashley, who attempts to stifle a yawn, while berating her..

November

The BBC announce special plans to celebrate the 70th anniversary of ‘Doctors’. “It turns out we’re the longest-running soap in history,” says an actress who we’ve never seen before. “But no one has ever noticed.”

When Pam St Clement’s role on ‘Hollyoaks’ doesn’t work out, she moves to Coronation Street where she plays the woman who gave up Stella for adoption years before. “It might not explain the accent,” says a producer. “But it might help.”

December

‘Coronation Street’ announce there will be extra episodes in 2013. A half hour after an extra half hour on Friday and two extra half hours after the Monday and Wednesday episodes as well as a spin-off internet only soap called “Street Cars” about the life of the taxi firm. “It’s a lot of filming,” says producer Phil Collinson. “But quality won’t suffer. It can’t.”

‘Emmerdale’ celebrates Christmas by launching Cain into space on the back of a rocket.
And despite Boris’s best efforts, Walford remains open for Christmas. Until, that is, at 4pm on Christmas Day a nuclear explosion rips through the borough. The remaining dialogue-free two hours of the cast members whimpering and gradually dying are called “A triumph” by the executive producer.

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