You’re live on Channel 4 Please do not… oh wait it’s five, I’m not Davina and we CAN swear!!

Posted: January 6, 2012 in About Me
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Throw away your new gym membership, ditch the New Year’s resolutions to not watch so much trashy TV and forget about your promise to spend more time with friends and family – Celebrity Big Brother is back and it’s here to take over your January.
Frankie Cocozza, Lindsay Lohan and Michael Madsen are among the rumoured celebs expected to be walking down the famous runway and into the dreaded Elstree compound tonight. So expect fireworks galore. Brian Dowling‘s (ill-fitting) choice of suit and the inevitable opening night twist. Why on earth would you choose to watch anything else?

22:59: That’s it folks. That’s your 12. You weren’t really expecting Lindsay Lohan were you? The real business starts tomorrow night at 9pm with the first highlights show. The question is how many housemates will Cocozza have slept with by then? And will anyone have figured out who Georgia is? We wouldn’t even think about missing it.
22:54: Big Brother is upping the ante for Natalie’s task as the show reaches a finale. She’s being told to give a motivational speech and cry. Big Brother clearly never saw Natalie in EastEnders. She can’t act mate.
22:53: Denise starts flirting with Gareth. Oh, please nobody tell her.
22:51: Denise wants to get in the hot tub with “the young ‘uns”. Oh, someone pass me the sick bucket. I can feel my pizza repeating on me.

22:49: The last housemate? Denise Welch. Locking up a Loose Woman with Frankie Cocozza… it’s like throwing water on a chip pan fire.
22:45: No signs of a catfight yet in the house. Natasha and Nicola, who were all snipes and snidey comments on Twitter, have exchanged hugs and polite apologies. We’ll have to wait and see whether that is just the quiet before the storm.
22:41: Own up, who’s already YouTubing Romeo’s ‘It’s All Gravy’. Garage classic.
22:39: This must be the first time that Romeo’s been in a room of celebs since 2005.
22:38: Brian Dowling claims that Romeo is “so cool” and starts talking about “crews”. It’s like having your mum calling your clothes “reem”. It’s just plain wrong.

22:35: Two more housemates to go… tick tick. Housemates to go… tick, tick. If you haven’t picked up on our clue… it’s So Solid Crew star MC Romeo. The UK garage revival starts here.
22:32: Natasha is sorry for the “hurt I…we caused”. The best way to overcome that of course is by going on a national TV show and raking it all up again.

22:31: Want some more spice in the house. Hello Natasha Giggs. She used to be with Ryan Giggs’s brother. She also used to be with Ryan Giggs at the same time. Yup, she’s that Natasha.
22:29: Georgia Salpa is an ex of Calum Best. It would be more surprising if she wasn’t.
22:26: Georgia Salpa looks like a Kardashian. Well, she thinks she does. Kirk wants Kim Kardashian to be in the house. Oh Big Brother producers, your subtle plans nearly went over head. Should we buy our wedding hat now?

22:21: Next housemate. Georgia Salpa. You know Georgia. High Street Honey. Erm. She looks like Kim Kardashian. But not really. She has boobs. Erm. You know. Georgia.
22:18: Early bets on the biggest housemate letdown are either Frankie or Kirk. Both promise lots of sh*gging and sex and other words starting with S. I suspect they’ll both be as entertaining as a toilet brush up your bum.

22:14: Housemate number eight? It’s TOWIE‘s Kirk Norcross. He wants to get everyone’s clothes off. He clearly doesn’t know that Natalie’s in there. He describes himself as a doughnut. And people say that these reality TV stars have no self-awareness.
22:09: Nicola McLean is about as talented as a toilet seat, but she’s got a bit of steeliness about her. She’ll spice things up a bit, mark my words. Celebrity? No. Good housemate? Yes indeedy.
22:05: Big Brother isn’t being too nasty to Natalie. Big Brother makes the trumpet-blowing fitness DVD-releasing EastEnder tell Nicola that she is “cool with her”. But hold on… there is a devilish side to Big Brother’s plan. He makes her do it twice. No, three times. Oh Big Bro, you tease.

22:02: Housemate number seven? Nicola McLean. More good news for the straying eyes of Frankie Cock-a-load-of-this-girls. Not such good news for Natalie Cassidy. Apparently they had a spat in the real world. Ooh-er.

21:59:I can’t wait for the awkward moment that the Playboy girls try it on with Gareth.

 21:55: After the filth of Cocozza, we have a change of pace. Time for someone nice, talented and serious. Gareth Thomas. He played rugby for Wales. If you didn’t know already, he came out as gay while he was still playing rugby. If you were going to bet on someone winning, I’d stick at least a fiver on him.
21:53: Big Brother helps save Cocozza from exploding with teenage hormones at the sight of the Playboy twins by making Natalie Cassidy kiss him on the lips. She is also forced to tell him that she likes younger boys. Even sh*gger Cocozza has limits and Sonia from Enders may be his match.
21:52: I bet Gary Barlow is feeling a bit sheepish around now.
21:50: Has Frankie learnt his lessons from X Factor? Has he balls. He’s up for a “sh*g” and he doesn’t want any of that “under the covers s**t”. He has no regrets. He tells Brian Dowling that he isn’t fussy. You don’t have to tell us Frankie. We all saw that Geordie Shore lass.
21:44: Housemate number five? Hello Frankie Cocozza. It’s been too long!
21:37: Things are getting perkier. Housemates number four? There’s two of them. Their second name is Shannon. They are twins. They have been in Playboy and have both seen Hugh Hefner naked. Their short skirts are what your father would describe as “a belt”. Brian Dowling asks if Heff will be watching tonight. The girls claims that he will be. A Sonia trumpet centrefold? You heard it here first.
21:31: Andrew Stone thinks he’s a “dark performer”. He isn’t. He thinks he’ll be a funny housemate. He won’t be. More irritating than industrial bleach.
21:30: Sonia was probably his first clue. The arrival of Andrew Stone is likely to be the decider for Michael Madsen, who’s probably considering not when or if, but how he’s going to fire his agent.
21:27: Housemate number three? Hrnk! It’s Andrew Pineapple Dance Studios Stone.
21:23: Big Brother is being naughty. He’s making Sonia pretend to be Michael’s “no.1 fan”. She has to tell him that she loved him in Free Willy and various other silly bits and pieces. I think Michael is so out of it that Sonia could do a Kinga on a wine bottle on the sofa and he wouldn’t really notice.
21:20: Michael Madsen sounds like he’s washed down a roll of sandpaper with a bottle of whiskey, followed by a razorblade chaser. He’s wearing crap cowboy hat, a naff leather jacket and a terrible USA flag shirt. He may also be a bit drunk.
21:17: Right we’re back. Housemate number two time. Say hello to Michael Madsen. Yes, the bloke from Reservoir Dogs and Kill Bill. And…erm… and… erm. Anyway, he is a proper celebrity. “I know f**k all about Big Brother”. That sounds like a good start and probably explains why he’s doing it.
21:10: Natalie Cassidy is the first housemate in the doors. That means a twist. She gets to enter the Diary Room and chat with Big Bro. She’s being given an ear-piece so that Big Brother can talk to her directly. Sonia must do exactly what Big Brother says to win the task. If she loses, her housemates won’t get their cases. A task very similar to the opening night of Celebrity Big Brother Hijack. Apologies for the obscure reference, but it’s true.
21:08: I bet Frankie Cocozza will be quick to whip out his trumpet for Sonia. *snigger*.
21:06: First housemate? Duff-duff-duff-duff! It’s Sonia from EastEnders. AKA Natalie Cassidy. Her VT intro features chatter about her trumpet and her weight. Apparently the press are obsessed about her weight. Oh, and by the way she has a fitness DVD out.
21:03: And it’s kick-off time. Welcome your host Davi… oh. It’s him again. We can’t quite make out how tight and ill-fitting Dowling’s suit is because he’s got a big jacket and burglar’s gloves on.
20:58: The usual rules apply. Drop your comments at the bottom of the page.  The more you get involved the more fun we’ll have. That’s the idea anyway.
20:56: Big Brother fans unite! The reality TV daddy is back and oiled up for action. Whether you love it, love to hate it or can’t find the remote after Building The Ice Hotel, why not spend the Celebrity Big Brother launch night with us. We don’t bite.

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