Chris Brown is a bad person. I think that’s OK to say, isn’t it? He’s a baddie. He punched a woman in the face, bit her, tried to strangle her and then, when he realised she was calling the police, threatened to kill her. Not a nice guy. So to the girls who, during the Grammys (the anniversary of the assault), tweeted things like “I’d let Chris Brown beat me up anytime ;)” I want to explain: while there are  bad people it’s OK to fancy, Brown  is not one of them. I urge you, girls who tweeted, if you fancy fancying a bad person, to please instead pick from one of the below…

Frankie Cocozza These slimy, skinny, haircut guys, with their mother issues and their swagger. The arrogance that leads to girls hopping on because, you know, 70 women can’t be wrong. The arrogance that leads to them wearing jeans meant for someone with a bit less thigh, but it sort of working because it looks like they’re too tight because they’re struggling to contain all this guy’s sexuality. That thing where someone is obviously thinking about shagging all the time, and his thoughts leak from his pores, and by inhaling them we get infected. With sex thoughts. See also: Danny Dyer.

Vladimir Putin The many and varied photos of him where he’s fondling a massive gun like he’s invented the term “signifier”. The photo of him being massaged by dolphins. The photo of him whupping two kids at judo. The photos of him cuddling puppies, tigers, horses and a goat. And a fish. The many and varied photos of him where his nipples are giving you serious come-to-bed eyes.

Denise Welch She’s not BAD bad, no, but she’s naughty, and that’s often as bad as our female celebrities are allowed to be. Not bad in an “electoral fraud” way, more a “flashing your flesh-coloured T-shirt bra often enough for the Mail to call it your ‘trademark'” way. What is it about a Loose Woman that makes you want to chuck it all in for a life spent whooping in a studio audience, whipping up your pink “DenISe That All There Is?” T-shirt whenever the camera swivels your way? A life lived like a Brighton hen night, Denise beckoning to you from pub doorways singing: “Come to me, come to me. There’s wine here. Both colours.”

Simon Cowell He’s so good at being mean. Like a creosoted Dorothy Parker. Like 174cm of YouTube comments in a low-V tee. Like conjoined twins bickering over who owns  the hair. Like a child’s finger painting of an angry hunk.  Like a statue of an evil dictator, but carved out of Caramac.

Naomi Campbell It was the blood-diamond narrative that did it for me. That was pretty hot, wasn’t it? In an 80s soap-opera heroine way? With all the nice clothes and the association with the ex-Liberian leader who intimidated enemies  by getting his men to stick human heads on their car bumpers? And  all the nice clothes.

Kim Dotcom Kim is the 6ft 6in, 300lb multi-millionaire founder of Megaupload. He was arrested by police who had to cut him out of the safe room in his mansion, the grounds of which are littered with full-sized giraffe statues. There’s a picture of him photobombing Kylie. His car number plates read, variously, “GUILTY”, “GOOD”, “MAFIA”, “HACKER”, “CEO”  and, my favourite, “STONED”. Until recently, Kim Dotcom (yeah, that’s his name – jealous?) was the top Modern Warfare 3 player in the world. The man’s a god. I’d climb him like he was a building and I was practising parkour.

Also Heather Mills, Richard Madeley, Anthea Turner, Amanda Platell, Sarah Palin, Joan Rivers, Ryan Giggs, Saif Gaddafi, Mark Wright, Alastair Campbell, Boris Johnson, Gordon Ramsay, and the Devil.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s