Hello again, I know that it’s been a while since I last put my fingers to the keyboard and posted something upon ‘itsAwholeLOADofJD!’ but I am back and ready to share some more of my thoughts and feelings. My last couple of pieces, Player One, will continue over the next few weeks but this post I want to focus on the here and now. An insight to the past two weeks of my life and the changes that have come about within it.

For the past 8 months I have been in a relationship. I virtually moved out of my apartment and into my ‘other halfs’ at their request. Things in my eyes seemed to be moving along rather well, and at no indication was I ever under the impression that there was an issue. That was until Friday last week. Friday 13th April at approximately 15:07 hours, when, after asking a seeminglessly harmful question, the words were uttered ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’. Who would have thought the preparation of heading into town to have a nosey around the shops and a bite to eat would have led to that phrase being passed. In true JD style I stood frozen upon the spot, looking, staring, at my other half. This lasted for what seemed like eternity, but was probably more like a minute if that. It was at this point I picked up the House of Fraser bags, containing the shoes I needed to return to the store and walked out.

Don’t get me wrong, there were a few words exchanged before departing to the store to make my return, but this was my get out card. My way of leaving the situation and processing my thoughts and feelings and actually allowing time for this ‘bombshell’ to sink in. I walked, calmly, to the store. Handed over my shoes and had them returned. I then proceeded to have a walk around the city centre, still with the words whirling in my mind, the thoughts that the previous two weeks we had been looking at buying a house, visiting my family, talking about a week away in the next break and all things like that. But now, it was over.

It was hard walking in town. Hard thinking things through as others walked past and trying to keep a smile, or at least a straight face. The fact that inside I felt that I wanted to explode and let all of my emotions run out, whoever was watching, but at the thought of making a huge sceptical of myself, or being carted off to the nearest loony bin I refrained from doing so. I thought the best option was to make my way ‘home’, or at least to the place that for the past seven and a half months had become classed as my home.

I looked at my phone on the way and there were several missed calls, voice mails and text messages. They all followed the same theme of ‘I didn’t want to hurt you’ and ‘it wasn’t meant to be like this’ stylee. I decided not to respond, just head ‘home’. It was at this point I also realised that ‘home’ was the only place that I could head in any case, as my wallet, keys for my apartment and my belongings were all in that apartment, plus the fact I needed to clarify what had been said and to get some answers to some questions that were now filling the space within my head. It didn’t take long, within 5 minutes I was at the front door, but, that’s as far as I was going. It was locked. I could hear the TV on inside and I could also hear movement but the knocks on the door, the phone calls and texts were being ignored. I waited. I knew that intrigue would set in and that it would need to be checked on whether I was still by the door or not and sure as that was the case. The footsteps came and the check through the ‘spy hole’ happened. It was at this point I exclaimed that I knew they were there at the other side of the door and I wanted to come in, either to talk, or at least to get my wallet and keys so I was able to go somewhere other than wander the streets of Liverpool.

The door opened and I entered. Firstly, the reception I received was a frosty one and I was questioned as to why I was unable to let myself back into the apartment as apparently I had the keys. This was soon corrected when I pointed out that they were on the drawers in the bedroom where they had been left, and not by me! So the chat started. As you can imagine, this did lead to raised voices and choice words. It lead to tears and upset too. It also lead to more questions coming into my mind alongside the ones that were not being answered or being ‘shirked’.  It lead to our last meal together, then to me packing my belongings and making my way to the front door. (not all my belongings as there were many items there and I was unable to carry them all through the streets of Liverpool back to my apartment).  It was over and it didn’t matter what I did or said, there was no changing the decision that had solely been made by one of our partnership. I had no say and just had to go with it.

It was here where I found myself back in my apartment, back facing the brick wall outside my windows, alone. Thinking and wondering what had gone wrong and what had actually lead to the decision in that split moment of time. Was it meant to be said or was it words in anger that just came out to hurt? The discussions the following day answered all those questions and there still seems to be no chance of trying or working on the concerns that are there. No opportunity to overcome. The brick wall clearly has been built, and has been done so to protect, but in this case not me, but my other half. To remove one heart ache that could come in a few weeks or months. The offer of remaining friends is there and to be honest, if it’s not as partners I want to remain friends. This is someone who I love, care deeply for and would never want to see upset or hurt. They have also said the same back about me and insisted that we remained friends, that they didn’t want to lose me from their life so that’s the next step, the next hurdle, the next brick in the wall.

And on this note, it’s a brick on my brick wall that can be crossed off. A brick that can be accounted for. The sun is shining and I have a smile on my face. I haven’t lost someone, I have gained a friend for life.

As I have said previously in my posts there is something that we need to remember…  People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season . LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

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