Posted: August 28, 2012 in About Me, life
Tags: , , , , , , ,

It’s all a game really. One that some take seriously and others, well they join on and take a ride. I was in a relationship for around five years and during all that time I was manogomus to the one love that I had. I wish I could say the same about him. Yeah he cheated and although it was only the two times it was kind of the seal to the end of our relationship.


As time has moved on I have come to realise that relationships, just like everything else in the world at the preset time, have changed and people view them differently. For instance take that of my grandma and granddad. They met one another when they were around the age of 14 and only separated through my granddad’s battle with cancer some 15 years ago now. She was true to him and him to her, they lived for one another and provided their families with a loving and caring home. That still carried on when so many years later their children had the number of grandchildren they have now.

Even after his death she has been true to him and kept a promise that she said she would as he lay there dying in the hospital. As my granddad battled with all his mite with lung cancer he asked my grandma to stop smoking, in fact his exact words were ‘Jean, there is one thing that you can do for me. One thing that will make sure you don’t die the way that I am now, there is so much that I am going to miss out on and I will not see our precious grandchildren grow up into adults and have children of their own. Please Jean, the day that I die I want that to be the last day that you smoke a cigarette, make sure our children and our grandchildren have one of us to see them grow and flourish into wonderful adults and parents.’


My granddad died on boxing day and that was the day that my grandma had her last cigarette, took the remaining fifteen in their Regal king size box out of her pocket, snapped them all and threw them in the bin.


Many years have passed now and it wasn’t that long ago she admitted that as everyday passed and every visit to the shop and seeing the packets there behind the counter she wanted a cigarette, just the one. Just one more drag on that nicotine stick, but she couldn’t. she had made her promise and had never once lied or broken a promise to my granddad; she wasn’t going to start now.


It’s amazing what love can do, and the places it can take you. It’s amazing how it can change you and make you feel like the strongest person in this world, and then at the bat of an eye drop you so that you feel so worthless and un required. It’s amazing the way that people go about finding love and how once they think they have found it, treat that person that is giving it all back. How love can alter your perspective and knowledge of a person and be blinded by what they say.


Recently I met someone that I thought would be the one for me. He was charming and made me laugh. He was caring and wanted to make me happy. He said all the right things, yeah he did, but then they didn’t always materialise. He didn’t want to rush, he wanted to go slow. He didn’t want to hurt me, he wanted our love to grow. He didn’t want to say he loved me, but he thought he could do. In the end they were all words.

Propelled into a world that swept me off my feet and away from reality slightly I began to fall. Fall in two ways though, one for the person that was telling me these things and the other back to earth and my life with a massive big bump and a jolt.

It didn’t matter though really as the parachute was pre-packed and I was ready…or at least so I thought.

It was rather short lived really and all took place in the matter of a few weeks. A whole three year relationship crammed and packed into a few weeks. It was crazy. We were far from taking it slow, it was flashing infront of my eyes faster than anything else had done in my life. It was zooming and I just held tight, I went with the flow of the driver and took my seat.

The nights out came and went, the mornings laid in bed snuggled under the covers in each others arms passed, waking up and smiling at each other are now just a mere memory…it was a game, just a game and I was being played!

The first night we met we sat for over four hours talking about our lives and what we were looking for and wanted. We clicked. We gelled and that was said from both sides. He leaned in and we kissed. It was amazing, his lips so soft and gentle, his breath so sweet on my face. He moved back and smiled at me, our eyes looking into each other and he told me that he wanted me in his life. I smiled back and said I wanted that too. It was at this point he decided that we should see each other again and start something. Again I agreed.

That weekend he had planned for me to go with him to his work and then out for the night. He is a DJ and had to work the Saturday until midnight. I agreed and headed off on the train to his house. I was so excited but nervous at the same time. At the last minute he told me that his mates would be there and they were so looking forward to meeting me. That he had told them all about me. I thought it would just be me and him.


The night was a brilliant night, he worked, sang and spent sometime with me. His mates made me feel so welcome and told me that I had brought him back to life, that I had made him back to the old person he was. He was happy, funny and smiley. I felt special.


We headed out into town and then back to his. We sat up most of the night talking to each other. He leaned over close and whispered to me that he loved me. I smiled and looked back. I told him that I thought I was falling for him too, but we needed to give it time, he agreed. We sat smiling, chatting and kissing each other.


In the morning I woke and laid there in bed looking at him sleeping. After a while he opened his eyes and smiled, he leaned in close cuddled up and kissed me. He told me that he wished we could wake up like this everyday and that he hoped that would happen. We laid in bed together most of the day just holding each other and talking. It was magical.


The day passed by staying in his house and having time together, time flew. At 6pm it was time for me to go home, I had to get ready for work in the morning. He begged me to stay but I couldn’t. I really wanted to stay, but I had to get ready for work.


We got back to my apartment and we sat talking again. Something in the back of my head told me to let go and that this was the end. I even went to the point of asking him. He said it wasn’t! …it was the end, or was it just the beginning??


The texts kept coming, ‘I am sorry, I love you, I do care, it’s not you it’s me, I am not ready, I need to be alone, there is too much going on, I miss you, I want to be with you, sorry if I have hurt you, you are a nice guy, are you ok?, what are you doing?, the last thing I want to do is hurt you…’

Day in and day out. They came through on my phone, followed by the odd phone call. What was going on, he said he didn’t want me, he said he had met someone else, what is his game?


It was a game. A big game, both for the person before me and after. The same reasons, the same lines and the same places. It was all the script and not only from him. His friends said the same lines and they loved us all. We had all made him happy and back to the guy he used to be, he wanted to be with us all and build a relationship up. It was a game plan and we were the piece. We were the victim, the chosen one. But why?


Who is next in the game, whos next in his plan…


One thing I am aware of though is the fact that I do love me. It has reassured me that I am a caring person and loving. That I put others first before my own feelings and thoughts.


I waited so long for him

I thought he’d never come

Hoping good things for the patiently who wait


I’d envisaged him, imagined him

Fantasised and deciphered him

I knew he’d be someone special, strong & great


Smacking me between my eyes

Where’d he been all my life

When in fairness I’d waited twenty-five


I knew he’d stand out

An individual I’d care about

And boy, he was a most welcome surprise


I deserve it, heart of gold on sleeve

Troubled, romantic, melancholy

But now he’s here and I’m not remotely sorry


He makes up for my lack past track

He’s my platinum record

Single album track restored in one


I think he was there all the time

I couldn’t’ see clearly

I don’t know, could have been insecure fog


Quarter of a century finally its lifted

I looked in my own mirror…


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