Special Moments.

Posted: December 3, 2012 in life
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Poo. A strange subject that evokes a myriad of different reactions. It’s strange how much disgust this causes since we all do it and all deal with it. Some people get more involved with it than I’d care to be aware of, but the Internet has already unleashed this on me and I simply cannot unsee those videos. However, by and large this is a perfectly natural thing that should never involve cups or finger painting. Ever.

Public toilets. I have a friend who has no issue with defecating in any condition. Personally I like a level of comfort and security that I simply don’t find in shared conveniences. I have on occasion had to use them, when emergencies call, but it isn’t a situation I particularly enjoy. I’d suggest this is the difference, where my friend is doing this purely out of necessity and I like to make an event of it, but this doesn’t quite hold true. He once did seven in one day in my flat, which if he wasn’t enjoying himself he must have some bizarre form of masochism. The exception to this is work toilets. Admittedly I had to build myself up to this, but I now have a favourite toilet that I have come to know and trust. My very own personal bog. Unfortunately the volume of people to available seats is quite high and so I have occasionally had the discomfort of discovering a warm seat. I dread to think whose cheeks I have shared this space with.

Etiquette. There are a number of things that should never be done in a toilet. Answering your phone. I know you have it out and are happily playing Angry Birds or Draw Something, but please for the love of God don’t answer a call. This is especially true if someone else is in the toilet at the same time. Firstly they don’t want to hear your conversation that you are forcing on to them with no real means of escape. Secondly it puts pressure on an otherwise relaxing situation and makes them uncomfortable. Pooping should be a relief, I don’t want to feel like I have to hold in a fart out of some level of politeness. The other unspoken rule is stall selection. If someone is there before you and you have the option to leave a gap then do not poop directly next to them. This works for urinals as well, I believe this is in the guy code somewhere. I do not want to know every detail about your excrement. I’m fine with you telling me about the poo you just did that looked like a corn on the cob but I don’t want to live it with you while it’s happening.

Wiping. There seems to be a handful of different techniques here. I had never really considered that my own technique was strange or even that anyone had another approach until lying one morning in a friends flat trying to ignore the fact I had a hangover. He went to the toilet which was directly next to his spare room where I lay somewhat corpse like and attempted a stealth poop. He was on the phone to his girlfriend and didn’t want her to know, so he left the light off to stop the noise of the automatic extractor fan, left the door open so she wouldn’t hear him close or lock it and proceeded to unleash a torrent of half processed kebab. I lay listening to this onslaught wondering how to block this out while giggling at the occasional squeaky fart. Once he hung up on his girlfriend he started to wipe. This was a turning point in my life, I realised I was a fussy wiper. The noise was so clear I could tell he scrunched the paper and scrubbed. I was also relatively certain he remained seated. I am the antithesis of this, I stand and fold. I have since discussed this with others and found people have any combination of the four, although I have noticed that standing and folding is relatively unusual. I suppose this is a bit like having a rare blood type. It’s good to be special.



This post was repressed from http://manicidleness.wordpress.com/


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