We’re wrong, right?!

Posted: July 21, 2013 in life
Tags: , , , , , , ,

We know nothing. Honestly. We think we do, but we don’t. An Ipsos Mori survey of 1,015 people aged between 16 and 75 showed that what we know is wrong. Teen pregnancy is thought to be 25 times higher than the official figures. The public thinks that £24 of every £100 of benefits is fraudulently claimed. It’s actually 70p. The public thinks that the population consists of 31% immigrants. It’s actually 13%. More than half of us believe that violent crime is rising, when really it has fallen significantly, from 2.5m reported incidents in 2007 to fewer than 2m in 2012. I mean. You know? It makes you wonder what else we’ve got wrong.

We think “the one” is a thing rather than a plot device.

We think sport is important. We think it matters who wins.

We think our flats look “shabby chic” when really they look like a still from Cash in the Attic.

We think there is hidden meaning in text messages from people we’ve got off with.

We think our parents are embarrassing. Their conversations with people on neighbouring tables. Their souvenir T-shirts. The way they read text messages with their heads inclined backwards. They’re just more comfortable in the world than us. We should be embarrassed by our own discomfort, too shy to send back bad food in Busaba. Too full of self-loathing to ask for directions.

We think we’re allergic to wheat. Mate, we’re almost 40. We’re just getting fatter.

We think people notice if our armpits are badly shaved. As if the texture of our skin has any impact on a stranger’s day.

We think our emails are being read. And we don’t care.

We think if we learn to cook, remember to ask how people’s weekends were, and wear contact lenses, then everybody will like us.

We think if we don’t sleep with them for a month then they’ll fall in love with us.

We think we’re going to read all those colour supplements under the coffee table.

We think our partners are hiding something from us on their phones.

We think we’re being funny when we talk in young people‘s language.

We think we’re going to die in a dramatic accident. But no, it’ll be cancer. It’ll be quick, then slow. We know that really.

We think our cats need us. It’s us who need them.

We think the internet is a big Blockbuster video in San Francisco. When in fact, of course, it’s a franchise. They have a little outpost at the back of every Londis piled high with twice-recorded VHS tapes and leaflets. That’s the internet.

We think glass is liquid. Of course it’s not, it’s glass. Durr.

We think we’re depressed. We just get a bit sad sometimes.

We think we’ve failed at relationships. When, in fact, this is just what relationships are – these pock-marked plains of good and bad, a combination of nights slept with backs to each other and jokes that make you laugh for four years straight.

We think we’re too young to feel like this. We’re too old to think we’re too young


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