It’s the end. Not of times, just of December, the end of a year that has dragged on our ankles like a wet toddler. Natural disasters, war, horror, cuts, crap. The worst X Factor ever, and this lingering smell of stale laundry near my desk. But there is a light, and it spells out 2014.

Before we roll over into January, though, shall we take a moment? A moment to recap on time passed. To ponder, quickly, what we’ve learned this year.

• Royal babies look exactly like normal ones – like red apples, peeled.

• A diet of juiced kale and beetroot will not make you richer, thinner, happier. It will just make the person you live with resent you, and your kitchen one-third smaller.

• Selfies at funerals are acceptable. Because we know, now, that when we’re taking selfies, we’re taking selfies to avoid thinking about death.

• How to squinch.

• That we should stop asking women if they’re feminists.

Jimmy Savile is not an appropriate Halloween costume. Yet.

• In the Houses of Parliament in a single month, porn was accessed 114,844 times.

Beyoncé is just like us, except incredible.

• We need a better word for the men who haunt the internet with rape, bomb, murder and arson threats than simply “troll”. Which has started to sound worryingly adorable from overuse.

The Fall, Top of the Lake, Orange is the New Black, The Returned – telly’s got the hang of strong female characters. And Netflix means we’re right there with them, in our towelling dressing gowns.

• That “rape isn’t always rape”. That sometimes it’s just “poor sexual etiquette”. Huge relief.

• Morrissey enjoys a syllable.

• Rather than Amazon, or Starbucks, or Vodafone, the real tax-avoidance issue, the people we should be keeping an eye on, are the men utilising gay marriage rights to wed their sons.

Gwyneth Paltrow taught us how to live like there’s no tomorrow, and eat like everyone’s watching.

• Nobody’s lives changed after Miley did her bum bum dance. Nobody died.

• That we’re all possibly Frank Sinatra’s son.

• That Fifty Shades of Grey was the most popular book read by patients hooked up to dialysis.

• That we’ve had a bit much now of dead women splayed naked and bloody all over our primetime TV, ta.

• And we’ve had a bit much of topless women on our sweetshop shelves.

• And of abused women all over the news. And something needs to change.

Kim Jong-un‘s Christmas is going to be awkward.

• The government really, really doesn’t give a shit about what poor people are eating.

• That so much damage has been done to our body image that even Olympians cry about their bikini bodies.

• We will never buy a house, or a flat, or live the life we thought we would. We’ll find another way.


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