Hi. It’s me. 

A little bit random, I know. Not something I thought I’d be doing; sitting here writing this. It’s strange how a small thing, a snippet, a word or action can send feelings and memories flooding back to the forefront of your mind. Maybe it’s the time of year. Maybe it’s having time off work, relaxing and having time to think. Sometimes that’s not a good thing. 

I always thought you’d be a ‘lifetime’ not a ‘reason’ or a ‘season’ but looking back now maybe it was more a ‘reason’ and a ‘season’ kind of thing we had. The need for you to have someone there to share things with. To tell you things are going to be alright and there’s no need to worry. I’m good at that, I’m sure you’d agree. The nights you would call round after seeing your dad in the hospital, you clearly worried, just needing reassurance and a friendly face. A hug from the dog. It was there. The weekends you needed company, wanted a drink, a chat or a helping hand; it was there. A mass of time without arguments, filled with laughter and care; it was there. You got it. A sanctuary to retreat to when your sister and family moved in whilst their new home was being created. An open, welcoming door, where you could escape the arguments and life of having four others in the house. No questions asked, the door was always open, it was there.

I’m sure now that as time has passed things have changed, they do. No doubt forcing memories and thoughts out of your head, as though I was a figment, a thought at sometime, or something that never existed. Your way of coping, a way that I witnessed with many things. A random guess that the Penguins will be enjoying their new home, the bin, as I bet this year they’ve not made it to the tree. Too many questions. Not knowing the answer. Another reminder removed from your memory to help you return to the past. 

I hope everything went well with your sister and the birth of her baby. I bet you’re relishing the ability of being a big ‘kid’ uncle again and having a baby in the family. The excitement shone on your face when you found out she was pregnant. You relished in the news and made it obvious you couldn’t wait. Did she have a boy or a girl? Hope they’re well. 

So it’s a new year, new memories and a new start. Maybe questionable of whether it’s an old one for you. One of comfort, one of solace, retreat, familiarisation, acceptance and care. One that ‘fits’ and is seen as acceptable by family and some friends. Acceptance by you. A mask to live behind, but I’d question whether it’s a way of life, I don’t know. Whether you’re happy only you have that answer. I hope you are. I hope your smiles are genuine and your eyes sparkle the way they used to.

So time moves forward. I lost a friend. A good one. One that was close, caring, one I thought that didn’t lie. You never used to. Brought joy, happiness, smiles and memories that will last a long time into my life, for a season, as that’s where it differs. I thought it was a lifetime, it ended up being a season and likely for you, I was a reason. 
I wish you well and hope you’re well. Most of all I hope you are happy.

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